etiquette

What does one write in a card to an ex-boyfriend who has recently attempted to commit suicide?

Three weeks ago I found out, via email, that my very first boyfriend, the person who rocked my world at the ripe age of 15 and 16, had tried to commit suicide. For the past three weeks he has been in critical condition, in a semi-comatose state. This morning, after making a check-in call to his hospital, I learned that he is now in “good shape” and, as much as I can surmise, on the road to recovery.

I have heard suicide referred to as “the ultimate act of selfishness”. I beg to differ. Another way to look at it is that if a person has been so out of their head miserable for so long, then perhaps the rest of us (who are in a “normal” mental state) just cannot fathom the hell in which that person has been living. And, perhaps those who think it a selfish act are themselves being selfish by viewing it through the lens of their own suffering; by judging the action by the impact it has taken on them.

I bring up the idea of selfishness because that is exactly the descriptor that could be used in regards to my own reactions about his suicide attempt. Yes, I cried for him and for what he had done. I cried for the fact that he himself would, in a healthier state of mind, think it such a stupid thing to do. I cried because if he did die, it would be such an utter waste.

But sure enough, when I heard the news about him, the steady stream of thoughts that came to my head, objectively, had more to do with me than they did with him. I thought about whether my actions, despite the fact that we were together 12 years ago, as teenagers, had any role in the misery he must have felt for god knows how long. The audacity, one side of my brain told me--- how self-important are you? I also thought about what I could and would have done differently and if it would have mattered.

So now that we are past the introspection and sadness, let’s get back to the practical part: what DOES one write in a “get better” note to a friend recovering from a suicide attempt? “Get better soon”? “Glad you are still here”? Life’s pretty ok after all”? Every option seems somehow grotesque and completely wrong.

------------------------------------------------

So now, I am finally finishing this blog. My ex-b has been released from the hospital and in recovery. I did send him flowers, with a simple note, and we have responded via email. He is doing well and I have realized, consciously, that there isn’t any sort of etiquette when it comes to these situations. There can’t be when emotions run so high. It is enough that you are there.

The right mix

I am someone who has had the good fortune of never really having to deal with tragedy directly. And, I have done my best to avoid any sort of real drama in my day-to-day life to the extent that it is possible (note content of prior blog entries). I tend to approach life as if I were a machine with the goal of reaching fine tuned efficiency in my motions and momentum forward. With fluidity and efficiency being my goal, I tend to try to fit in as much as possible, of what I want to fit in, and distractions from that direction are seen as taking away from the direction I want to be going. I don’t like the way that sounds, and I don’t like the kind of person who would think and live that way, but I do like myself and I know that to an extent, my brain does work that way. It is the way I am. For whatever reasons.

But I have, finally, learned along the way that sometimes the distractions are the best part of life and more often than not, they are the experiences that truly bring enrichment. Because they knock you out of your world and give you a new perspective on it. I have finally realized that I have not failed or let myself down if I do not end up accomplishing all that I set out to do or if my path changes direction now and again. And I see that there can be as much value in not doing as much as there is in doing.

I think that finding the right balance between doing what comes naturally to you, in the life and routine you have created for yourself, and exploring new ways of living is one of the keys to getting it right; whatever right is. Not to be a cheese, who lives with machine-like efficiency, but I just got a forward from my aunt with quotes from the Dalai Lama and one of them struck me: open arms to change but don’t let go of your values.